if you hate church

Have you ever sat in church and felt completely invisible?

I can feel unnoticed anywhere and shrug it off, but there is something about feeling unnoticed in the church that just sucks. I think these feelings of being invisible in the church are rooted in the very first time I was ever "hurt by the church." I had a mentor in my youth group years. She poured into me and showed me the love of Jesus. She inspired me and showed me her wisdom every single day. She led me down God's path, walking with me hand-in-hand. She loved me unconditionally.. until she didn't. All of a sudden she was gone. I was completely dropped from her life. And I had no idea why. I lost the person that I could seek counsel in. I lost the person that would tell me if I was choosing something that wasn't God's best for me. I lost the person that taught me how to love Jesus. Instant feelings of shame came over me. For years I wondered what in the world I did for her to just drop me like she did. I felt betrayed and bitter. I felt like I no longer mattered in the church I attended. I felt like there would never be anybody who would love me and mentor me again. So, I put up walls.

I began hating church because I was constantly scared of being hurt again. I would shut out every leader in any church that would try to have a relationship with me. I would come into church every Sunday morning carrying insecurity, judgement, bitterness, jealousy, and hate. I wouldn't dare let anybody touch those nasty wounds, especially Jesus.

This was so dangerous for my faith. I would always tell myself "it's okay to love Jesus but hate church." But what hating church did to me was detrimental. It caused me to be okay with not growing with Jesus. I didn't care that I was complacent. Hating the church encouraged me to put my relationship with Jesus on the back burner, hoping for the best but not really caring if the worst happened.

Choosing to stay bitter towards church and its people robbed me of having a place that is meant for love.

And I chose it for YEARS. I came to a point in my life, like we all have, where I was at absolutely rock bottom. I was alone and scared. I was tired of running towards crappy people and alcohol and weed and adderall for love. I was desperate for something new. Something fresh. In these moments of absolute brokenness, I could literally feel Jesus tugging at my heart, saying "I am right here with my arms open wide. I'm ready to catch you. All you have to do is come." I remember sitting on a curb outside this stupid trap house I used to live in and I cried out to Jesus. The only words I could say were "how the hell do I do this Jesus? How do I come to you?" That's all He needed from me. From then, my heart was wide open to church again. I had no idea how, but I got this deep craving for church.

Choosing to trust in the church again was the best thing I could have done in such a broken time. The church is where I would go to hear the things that God was so desiring to tell me. The church is where I would go to just sit in God's love. The church is where I would go to worship God like I hadn't done in years. I am not saying that you have to be in church to do and experience these things, but for a heart like mine- one that had forgotten everything about Jesus- church was the place where I was retaught everything. Church gave me a place to fall in love with Jesus all over again.

To this day, I still at times struggle with church and its people because the devil still makes me believe some pretty stupid lies. God is pulling me into a lifestyle of avoiding all lies and embracing His truth. Here are some lies that I have believed about church and the truths that God has spoken over them:

LIE: "I am invisible in the church because I am never the one that people want to pray over."

TRUTH: People in the church do care. They do see me. They do want God's best for me. If I want people to pray over me, all I have to do is ask and I will receive. If I want people to pray over me I have to be vulnerable and willing to let them see the ugliest parts of me.

LIE: "I must not have that great of a future because nobody ever speaks prophesies over me."

TRUTH: God told me, "you can sit in the church for your entire life and nobody ever give you a prophesy and that doesn't change my love for you. You can sit in the church for your entire life and nobody give you a prophesy and that doesn't change the plans I have for you."

LIE: "Church is where I become equipped with spiritual gifts."

TRUTH" God's word is where I look to be equipped with spiritual gifts. It doesn't take people, or a church, to gift me in things that God has already said I have.

LIE: "If somebody in the church hurts me again I will have to go down the same path of bitterness and brokenness towards church." TRUTH: People will fail me. Forgiveness is freeing. God never intends for His people to hurt me, and when they do He hurts just as much as me.

I am still uncovering all kinds of lies that I have believed for years. I love that Jesus is never failing to tell me His truth. He LOVES to speak His truth over me. He doesn't care how long it will take for me to uncover all of the lies. If you are distant, bitter, skeptical, or whatever else towards the church I encourage you to LET GO. Just give it to Jesus and let Him wreck you. Tell him all of the things that you hate about church and watch Him heal the wounds with one touch. Give church a chance again. I pray that you have a heart that is wide open to Jesus and everything He wants to do in your life.